Here's the 49ers taking on slime monsters, SpongeBob and the Cowboys in a wildcard play-off
Don't forget the Niners have hitched themselves to the Leeds United funtrain, and anything play-off related just isn't going to be that easy.
Last week when we went to play after school with our fake auntie down the street's kids, the San Francisco 49ers, an overtime touchdown was taking them through to the post-season play-offs, there to meet hated rivals the Dallas Cowboys. The flower-hairy Californians with their sun-dappled tech have always historically met fierce resistance from the ten-gallon Texans and their big oily trucks.
I said this was the play-offs but it was not quite the proper play-offs, it was the wild card play-offs, six games played on wild card weekend to determine who plays in the divisional play-offs, where some teams sat already with their byes. All you really need to know is that one of those teams was the Green Bay Packers, and the 49ers were playing the Cowboys for the right to play them. The winner of that game goes to the National Football Conference Championship game. The winner of that goes to the Super Bowl, to play their equivalent from the American Football Conference. It is all very clear and easy to understand.
The easiest thing to understand is that from their first drive, which is what the teams do when they have the ball, the Niners and their often maligned and recently fuck-thumbed quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo scored a touchdown, that was converted, then they kicked two field goals, all in the first quarter. The Cowcatchers got a touchdown of their own in the second quarter, but with another field goal and best lad Deebo Samuel getting a touchdown back in the third, a 23-7 lead going into the last quarter was giving our Frisky 'Ciscans an easy night against a side looking barely competent and giving up penalty after penalty. Not even a Dallas field goal for 23-10 was bothering them. That second touchdown was the best, K'Waun Williams making a really cool diving interception to get the ball off the Cowees, Deebo wasting no time on a drive or anything like that, just getting the ball from Garoppolo and running this way and that until he'd beaten all the padding and helmets in sight and was all the way in the ending zone.
"Everything you've got on the line right now!" ????@19problemz was wired for sound in Dallas. Watch the full Mic'd Up powered by @Cisco. pic.twitter.com/p9NKj3TyIR— San Francisco 49ers (@49ers) January 19, 2022
Embedded JavaScript
Deebo was mic'd up for this game and seems like a fun chap, chucking a ball around with travelling Niners fans in the stands, hyping the offensive players up by shouting 'Playmakers on two!' (somewhere, Pablo Hernandez's ears were warming, and he was saying 'Dos!' out loud to his family's surprise). Just before that scoring play Deebo is shouting, "Let's go put the ball in the box right now!", and then he goes and does exactly that straight away, so that's great. Then he goes to the sidelines and tells a team analyst, crouching over an iPad, "You're my type of guy." He winks at him too and it's even greater.
But don't forget the Niners have hitched themselves to the Leeds United funtrain and that means anything play-off related just isn't going to be that easy. All season 49ers fans have wanted cool young Trey Lance to take over at quarterback from Garoppolo, and next season that just might happen; a play-off subplot is how Jimmy G is playing, with a busted thumb, to extend his 49ers career game by game through this postseason. So why, when all the Niners had to do in the fourth quarter was keep the ball away from their end and run the clock down, did he chuck a boneheaded pass right into the arms of the Cowlads' Anthony Brown? Six quick plays later Dallas had a touchdown, converted it, the score was 23-17, and the Friscan Monks were sweating under their cassocks.